An emotionally unavailable guy is the one who is not ready to go the extra mile of depth with you. He prefers to float without strong roots and any form of deeper intimacy initiated by you pushes him away.
Emotionally unavailable guys are either married, engaged, in a relationship or single. It also include people who have been hurt in previous relationships and are scared to risk opening up again, recently divorced or widowed and workaholics.
Initially, it can be all sweet and loving as he tells you of his past and present issues, feelings and desire to be in a loving relationship and it seems like an easy peas for you but before you fall for this, remember, desire is not the same as action. People can want one thing but do something entirely different.
That being said, How can you spot an emotionally unavailable guy? Here are a few tips to guide you;
1. He is never really there
He shows up only when it is convenient for him not when you need him. You will never find him when you want to take that job interview, fix a leaking sink or when you are having a meltdown but he will show up when bored or decides he needs your company.
2. His actions are inconsistent
He never follows through plans. You have become so accustomed to him calling you up last minute to cancel dates or appointments. He has a bag filled with excuses to explain all his shortcomings with no intention to make up for it.
3. Intimate conversations and vulnerability are not his thing
I don’t think I have known someone more evasive than an unavailable guy. Questions like ‘what are your plans for the future’ pricks him because to him, it translates to ‘when are we getting married’ or maybe you are trying to get him to open up and hit a brick wall.
4. He invent situations to create distance so you don’t come close.
When it feels like a bond is developing, He will come up with tactics to upset things so as to push you away. He can employ anger, the very effective weapon and blame you for countless offences so as to have a reason to ask for space to think.
He indulges in a lot of activities whether relevant or irrelevant in order to have reasons not to see you or spend time with you. He will tell you he has to wait for the sky to turn green before he can come see you which will never happen.
5. He disconnects when he feels triggered by you.
As he does not understand why he experiences the emotions he does with you, his primary reaction will be to pull away. When you converse in person, he will be unable to maintain eye contact with you, slow to reply messages and will constantly whine about being busy or tired.
6. He hardly acknowledges his feelings with you.
He will always act like he is fine. Everything is okay. It is all in your head. You will hardly hear ‘I love you’ because he won’t say it and if he does, it comes out detached.
7.There is a pattern to how past relationships end.
When a guy says, his last relationship fizzled out, find out why. If someone is laid back about his relationship and do not make efforts, it is bound to fizzle out. Read between the lines. Though in some cases, the guy learns from his mistakes and want to do better with the next lady, many others don’t.
8.You always come second
You are the one He comes to when his hangout with the guys didn’t work out or when he has nothing else doing. You are not in his plans. Initially, maybe but later on, it stops. You never feel like a priority because truly you are not.
9. He comes on strong and goes cold
Do you ever feel like you had this amazing weekend with him and for the next two weeks, he disappears?
No text or call and when you try to reach out, you get this emotionless response that makes you begin to wonder if you are dealing with multiple guys.
He gives you just enough to hook you then he pulls away. He is actively interested in one kind of intimacy but shy away from the other.
10. He is dismissive of your feelings
Words like, ‘too sensitive, emotional, crazy, too serious’ will be very familiar to you because He uses them to shut down your feelings whenever you try to raise genuine concerns about him or the relationship. And if you are not careful, you begin to believe him overtime.
The longing and need we all have that is filled with the presence of a loving partner will always be unmet as intimacy scares him and he is not able give it to you. You end up feeling alone, rejected, unimportant and depressed.
The truth is, we know, 99% of the time. We only choose to ignore it and decide we can change him. We always feel his actions don’t match up to his intentions. Wrong move. (Are you a mind reader?)
Painfully, we fall in love with ‘what he can be” and not what he actually is. So despite knowing all this, why do we get involved with emotionally unavailable men?
Do any of this signs resonate with you or someone you know? Are there points you want to add from experiences you have had? Let me know in the comments.
Join me in my next blog post for “Why
we get involved with emotionally unavailable men.
You are loved.